More time to think...a scary thought

For the first several months in Costa Rica, I bemoaned the radio/cd situation in my car. We bought a 6-year old, used SUV with a less than ideal stereo set-up. My options were to either listen to songs in Spanish (probably would be beneficial for improving my Spanish, but, nonetheless, not something I found appealing) or listen to 80s American soft rock on a few English speaking stations. Also not appealing. I can only listen to “Groovy Kind of Love” so many times. Add to that the fact that the CD player does not work (which means no books on cd or any kind of cd) and you can see why I spent many hours driving around feeling slightly antsy. And feeling antsy just seems like a crime when you are driving around the beautiful landscapes of CR.

By early November, those quiet times in the car took on a different character for me. I found myself feeling anxious and I could not figure out why. Why couldn’t I fully enjoy everything about this experience back then? After time passed and I was able to put a little distance between myself and that anxious period, I gained some insight into potential reasons for having felt that way. At 40 years old, back in Milton I thought that I had a fairly good sense of self and a strong, intact identity. I was Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend, Social Worker, Exerciser (not sure if that is a word). However, a few months into living in a different country, with a different language, customs, culture, people, etc. and away from all of those comfortable definitions of self that I had back home, I felt less certain about my identity. Who am I without all of the things/people/places I know? Although I had sought out different areas of interest here, including volunteering at an orphanage, taking Spanish classes, meeting new friends, spending time with the kids and with Tom, exploring, etc, somehow it wasn’t enough to eliminate the worry. I still had more down time here and the double-edged sword of “downtime” is that I found myself with more time to think about my anxieties. Not so fun!

One of my new friends from the orphanage.

Eventually I realized that I needed to embrace it all as my challenge. Tom and I spent so much time thinking through how the kids would deal with the challenge of transition this year and how it would impact them. I don’t think we ever gave much thought to how it would challenge us. And that this year, with a forced “pause,” would give me the opportunity to grow as well. What I realized was that without the community and daily patterns I was used to back home (family, friends, neighbors, schools, work, activities, etc,) I did not feel as “strong” regardless of how many things I tried to do with my time. Rather, I felt unanchored and unsure. I recognize now that I really needed something like this – a chance to step back, take a breath, and re-consider/re-think who I am. And not just so that I could get the most out of our time here but so that I can go back and hopefully get even more out of who I am at home. For example, I realize now that over the past several years of non-stop activity, I may have felt “stronger,” but really…I was simply “busier.” Apparently, I needed to move thousands of miles away to figure that out!

Don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t a seamless, overnight realization. After some time with a lot less busyiness and less community supports - I am slowly re-connecting with who I am. I have grown comfortable and appreciative of my life in Costa Rica but I am trying to do so without falling into the need to do so with “Identifiers.” In essence, I want to embrace the simple fact that I am a work in progress. I used to always talk with clients about the fact that we are all a work in progress (which I believed to be true), but I did so as a clinician offering advice and counsel to a client. Our adventure in Costa Rica reminded me loudly and clearly how true that is. And, an added bonus – I am now learning to enjoy the experience of silence as I drive through the windy, bumpy roads of Costa Rica. The roads of CR - a good analogy for life!